Day 83 - An Emotionally Stunted Blank Brain

Maybe it's the unchartered territory of first time experience, maybe it's my inability to confront personal emotions, but when people ask me about the break up my mind immediately closes up and I draw a complete blank. Eventually some words dribble unconvincingly out of my mouth but even I'm not convinced by them. Sometimes I don't even know what I mean or even I'm even about to say as I'm saying it.

I know that my natural instinct is avoidant, or at least overthinking to the point of paralysis which brings the same outcome as avoidance, but you would think such a major life shift would prompt more, not fewer psychological insights. Seems my psychology is mainly occupied by how desperately I need the toilet (see day 82).

Maybe it's too complicated to fathom and my brain knows it's limits so doesn't even try. I also know that I don't trust myself to articulate things properly, which is always stressful, who knows what I might end up saying? Could accidentally say horrendous which I don't even think out of panic and then spiral into a heightened state of alarm. A split-second synapse reflex probably tally's up the above (and more) and thinks the best thing to do is to initiate a stupor.

I'm incapable of understanding myself sometimes.

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