Day 103 - Full of Hate

I'm having a nice time socialising in a group, everybody is getting along laughing and chatting. All is well. Out of nowhere I sink into an immediate unease and the sights and sounds of the laughter I was only seconds ago a part of now fill me with hate. An internal unconscious decision has opted for despair over warmth as I find myself glaring edgily in judgemental disdain at those who have the misfortune to be in my company. The person I was only a few seconds earlier is no more and my only options are either to leave or to remain silent.

This can happen at any time but mainly seems to occur when I'm familiar but not that familiar with the people around me. I'm not sure what the defence mechanism is which onsets this hostility, but it isn't a useful one as the most unreasonable person in this situation is me, which doesn't do me any favours. Hate begets self-hate. 

I think maybe I kind of know the deal - Hyperawareness. All of a sudden I become hyper-conscious of my circumstance, rendering what was previously a nice conversation into something uncomfortable and alien. Overwhelmed by the weirdness of normality, overly focussing on every tiny detail of what we humans do, how we move, how we respond, our weird teeth and fingers and ears and euzeueudghdkbqkhkgh. If you think too hard about it it's weird and I don't like it. But it's not a concsious train of thought which gets me to this end point, it's an immediate dissonant punch.

It's a shame to absolutely be the dickhead in a scenario and know it. As I glare at people with contempt, I primarily judge inwards. But the onset is involuntary so how much am I to blame? Of course I am in the wrong, but the extent to which is murkier. Ultimately I just wish I was a fundamentally nicer person at my core.