Day 2 - I Don't Owe You Anything

"You should never go to them, let them come to you" - I Don't Owe You Anything

A newly adopted mantra, courtesy of Morrissey. Because I'm always busy. Busy, busy. (A niche reference but nobody is reading this so who cares?)

Recently my therapist noticed that a lot of my stress and anxiety stems from factors outside of my control, whether that be football, society, politics, or plans filling up my calendar to the point where my phone calendar is more in control of my life than I am. I fall wearied through a pre-destined fate, somewhat perplexed as to where all these plans came from. They can't be particularly interesting either as I usually can't remember why I've been so busy.

From now on, I will only arrange plans when I absolutely want to. Being considerate relinquishes autonomy. And as a 'phone reminder junkie', I need to find ways to reduce the amount of times my phone commands me through every aspect of my life. "Remind 'so and so' about potential get-together" is the first recurring phone reminder to be binned. If somebody instigates a plan with me and the arrangements hit a stumbling block, I will not resurface this plan. I don't owe you anything.

Occasional aimlessness is a small price to pay for the mental recuperation benefits. I just need to find a way of entertaining myself. I know I should read, but even 12 years after finishing school I still have a bit of a Pavlovian homework-like response to the idea. 

If I was speaking in person, I  wouldn't normally get this far without some unoriginal "world's tiniest violin" retort. I'm not sure why, but I find that phrase particularly irritating. I think it's the imagery of it's associated performative charade. But to the 'World's Tiniest Violinists' of the world, I quote Woody Allen in Stardust Memories - "If you don't have enough to eat, obviously that becomes your major problem. That becomes very clear cut. But what happens if you're living in a more affluent society and you're lucky enough to not have to worry about surviving? The issues become very complex."

Of course you can also be conformable but be in the opposite situation to me, where you have too few plans and so also wish to provoke me with your stupid violin gesture. And I admit that yes, it is also bad to have too few plans. Too few and too many are both bad. Hence the word "too". Both exceed the threshold. Neither are to be envied. It's not a competition.

It doesn't go over my head that two of my main reference points in life being Morrissey and Woody Allen is another factor which doesn't help my stress levels. But without going into the long complex issues associated with all that, unfortunately for my anxiety, their work just happens to resonate strongly with me. And if this is unacceptable, I don't owe you anything. ...If only I had the self-assurance to actually think that. Although if I was too self-assured, as with Morrissey, nobody would like me, which would also stress me out.

Before I get too stressed stressing about stress, I'll just stick with the fewer plans thing for now.

This entry has entered blabbering territory. I intended to conclude on "And if this is unacceptable, I don't owe you anything", but it didn't feel entirely honest. So to finish, for the structural symmetry I was previously aiming for, even though it doesn't really work anymore, fuck it. - I don't owe you anything.