Day 5 - The Infinite Contrarian Narcissist Loop

Everybody agree with me. Only tyrannical rule will fully stabilise my mental health, so it would actually be quite insensitive to not allow me it in this day and age. Also, everybody has to actually mean it when they agree with me - Suspicion of fearful sycophants is no way to reign supreme. Don't just agree with everything I say - "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member". Plus I'm probably wrong anyway, what do I know? Why would I know best? But also, everyone else is an idiot!! But they're not are they. I'm the real idiot for thinking that in the first place. But.. WAIT... NO. I AM RIGHT!!!

DNIUEDHEIUDGKWNSNSWYDGBIUWBIUBINKKZZ!!!!!!

The endless internal battle of the contrary narcissist. Or does self-awareness counteract narcissism? Dunno. At least that paragraph shows that even omnipotence wouldn't satisfy. So I won't pursue totalitarianism. That's one thing sorted! Progress.

In reality, all I really need is the capability to maintain control during confrontation. In moments of disagreement, no matter how calmly and succinctly I prepare and order the thoughts in my head, as soon as they come out of my mouth, I become mentally paralysed by the engulfing realisation that my thoughts, previously locked securely away in the safety of my mind, are now out in the wild. I no longer have control of them. 

In my mind I have already lost. The other person is in charge now. A weakness has been exposed and the muffled sound of my heart-beat drowning my ear drum combined with my overwhelmed state of mind means any mild challenge and I am a delirious incoherent mess. My available options become either to immediately cave and just blindly agree with whatever the other person says, then, still in a state of panic, proceed to erratically shift from periods of prolonged silent anguish to over-compensating by making too many jokes and agreeable positive comments; Or double down, but due to my heightened adrenaline, lose sense of tone and composure so act overly aggressive or like a sarcastic dickhead. Whichever path I choose, I will lament for hours afterwards, bemoaning my incompetence. 

It is often easiest to stay quiet. Stay in control by offering nothing. But this is particularly annoying when so many things annoy me. Plus consistently supressing thoughts is famously not ideal. It acts only as a short-term resolution before my brain eventually explodes, striking whichever undeserving victim has the misfortune of happening to be in my vicinity at that moment in time. Although in my mind the main victim is still me. But it isn't really. But it is. Here we go... the infinite contrarian narcissist loop strikes again.

HOWEVER, I can reclaim some level of control through writing. You can't interrupt a paragraph. If I say something incorrectly, I can delete it and not have to worry about being misinterpreted and judged for the rest of my life on the basis of one stupid thing I've mistakenly blurted out (people probably don't do this but I can't help but think they do). And the panic-inducing dubious eyes judging my opening postulation are eradicated. I have already calmly articulated my subsequent justifications. I've got it under control.

Just keep writing. Writing will get everything off my chest. Keep writing. Just Keep Writing. Keep writing to stave off madness. Just keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing. Keep Writing. Writing to solve my problems. Writing. Writing. Writing. Mental wellbeing. Writing. Writing to seize control. Just keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing.

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