Day 22 - Yes, I am Blind

...No I can't see; There must be something horribly wrong with me. Over dramatic yes, but Morrissey at least adds some level of comedic relief to what is most likely going to be another self-pitying sombre entry. I wonder when Morrissey lyrics will stop being the immediate things which come to mind. I've got a feeling it won't be any time soon.

I was quoting them before all this, so I evidently wasn't particularly happy anyway. Although I'm not sure that is a great reason to become worse. I'm not an idealist; I know the aim is only contentedness. That shouldn't be so hard. Yet I failed to achieve contentment even when having zero criticisms of someone. I can't imagine how anyone else could be better. What exactly defines a relationship? Does contentment come automatically or is it learned?

I've previously blamed a propensity to not confront my feelings, which remains true, shown even now by (despite quoting music in my posts) not having listened to any of the music I like for a week. Music is full of exactly what I don't want to hear. The emotion will be jarring; I couldn't even face staying in Sheffield. 

Equally I don't think I am guilty of total denial and avoidance. Aside from the mandatory drudgery which comes with life and despite both of us being depressed, I still enjoyed her company more than anyone else. I maintain that being largely happy in this sense provides some validity for a lack of decisiveness. It wasn't entirely clear where our depressive states stemmed from. It still isn't totally clear; there are lots of possible factors. There were also some meagre attempts of attempts to address things. Couples therapy briefly came up, hence acknowledging that there were some issues whilst also demonstrating a hope to solve them, but excuses got in the way and this potential solution was ultimately ignored. And then it was too late. Decisiveness is a big weak point of mine.

To put it all very unpoetically, I am just sad.

I should probably change the record. This can't be doing me much good. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see. Although a Sunday before my first day back in the office doesn't sound like the sort of time where I will suddenly spring to life.