Day 30 - Time is the Cause of all Wounds

"When you leave all you take is your memory and I'm gonna take mine of you with me" - Lana Del Rey

Every now and then a sadness suddenly hits, indiscriminate of circumstance. Daily routine and regular activities have meant that I have generally felt okay, which is better than anticipated but sometimes the weight of memory envelops the present. Always an involuntary distraction, but these onsets of sadness aren't entirely unwelcome as recollections of some of my happiest memories also bring warmth and reassurance. Of course this can be followed by an even starker sadness, but it provides affirmation for a part of my life which I feel incredibly fortunate to have experienced. 

"And I'm glad, glad about the good times that we had" - Captain Beefheart

Forever didn't seem naïve. There is still a part of me which thinks it could have worked, at least to some degree. I imagine it would be okay. 50 years ago not only would it have probably lasted, it would have probably been one of the better relationships. Whether or not this was a good approach, things are complicated now. Mentally tortured by the freedom of possibility, the definition of happiness becomes more clouded. Time is the cause of all wounds.

"Forever never seems that long until you're grown" - Outkast

The main thing to cling to is an absolute lack of regret. I tried to not write anything close to the phrase "no regrets", because it is grotesquely shit. But the part of my brain which is responsible for synonyms has left me with little choice but to realise just how normal I really am. There's nothing special about me. I am just like everybody else.

Knowledge of shared feeling and experience does to some extent provide a further level of affirmation and comfort, but equally I don't like being part of a club which will have me as it's member. I am conscious that my vanity is beginning to detract from any heartfelt authenticity that I began with. It is disappointing but at least that is true to me. I will always cowardly shy away from sincerity through cheapening self-deprecating humour. This is either a bad thing or it is showing some signs of recovery. For now I will presume the latter and end on an uncharacteristically hopeful note.

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