JacobHDailyEffort

The number of my recent entries which are either lists or written on my phone notes shows a clear lack of ambition. Yes, I have work, but still, I also prioritise watching cricket over this. Is it as simple as that our natural inclinations identify the correct hobbies to undertake, or must we be stricter with ourselves?  Tomorrow I aim to provide a more interesting diary piece detailing the travails of my gruelling past week. Emphasis on the word "aim". It's been a real slog. Not without its positives, but the negatives have been far starker. Bleak. If I wrote tomorrow's piece today, with today being today and therefore still being very much a part of the gruelling week in question, it would render the entry without conclusion. That is my excuse anyway. That and my being at work and running out of lunchtime.

A week off. A much needed week off. More than a week off is needed really. Everything seems wrong post Glastonbury. The realness of life becomes surreal in comparison and it takes quite some time to adjust. On this occasion the blues haven't hit quite as hard as usual, possibly down to becoming more accustomed to the festival after four successive visits. Possibly down to my absolute knowing there is very little more I could have possibly given; By the end I was completely defeated and drained. I also could not face applying any more sun cream to my disgusting face with my disgusting fingers. Interesting what's the first things which spring to mind on my return from Glastonbury. Largely negative for an experience I genuinely loved and will try to do again. Maybe tomorrow I'll manage to articulate in further detail but for now I need to ease myself in.

10. Icarus Instinct - Mr Key & Greenwood Sharps  9. My Baby's Taking Me Home - Sparks 8. Everyday - Weyes Blood  7. No. 99 - Joey Bada$$ 6. Selfish Soul - Sudan Archives 5. Chum - Earl Sweatshirt  4. Rocket Man - Elton John  3. Young Hearts Run Free - Candi Staton  2. Paprika - Japanese Breakfast  1. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road - Elton John (Common People is number 1 if Pulp perform)

The end is in sight. I can finally have a break! Tomorrow I will post my final Glastonbury Top 10 to reach my 90th consecutive blogging day and 90 days in a row is good enough. In an ideal world I'd have started 10 days earlier but to quote Harry Kane in his infinite wisdom, it is what it is. While I'm quoting people, to quote Nick Cave quoting Bob Dylan - "Not the end, not the end. Just remember, that death is not the end." I will of course return, partly because I have unused ideas and partly because falling short of 100 would be mentally jarring. Some things can't be taken to the grave. Saying that, given that death is not the end, I could maybe set up some sort of automated chat gpt blog to continue this after I've gone. Jacob forever. To be fair that would be funny to do in this interim period but I have neither the technical know-how nor the the time to work it out; I need to pack. An idea for the future though.

As well as liking snooker, I also like cricket, which if there was still any doubt left as to whether I was a boring loser, this is the confirmation. I have been on a cricket hiatus the past few years but with Ben Stokes captaining England through surreal offensive tactics, I am now fully back on board. His tactics are so insane that its gotten to the stage where if we start playing like a normal test team, I also find that funny. Win win! With my return comes the return of all the classic cricket ridiculousness. An obsession with the weather forecast being the primary one. On no other occasion would I care if it was raining in North-West Birmingham for a bit on a Tuesday morning, but today I am very happy about it. That's cricket. The other most apparent aspect of cricket, which is also what makes it seem much more complicated an alienating to casual observers than it actually is, is the sheer amount of abbreviations and decimal numbers constantly flashing up on the screen. Fundam...

10.  Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair (2011)  9.  Four Out of Five (2018) 8.  Crying Lightning (2009)  7.  Still Take You Home (2006) 6.  Leave Before the Lights Come On (2006) 5.  Star Treatment (2018) 4. I Wanna Be Yours (2013) 3.  If You Were There, Beware (2007) 2. Mardy Bum (2006) 1. The View From the Afternoon (2006)

10. Did You Know That There's a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd (2022) 9. The Grants (2023) 8. Blue Jeans (2012) 7. Doin' Time (2019)  6. Shades of Cool (2014) 5. Mariners Apartment Complex (2018) 4. How to Disappear (2019) 3. West Coast (2014) 2. Born to Die (2011) 1. Video Games (2011)

The endless impossibility of life and its uncontrollable nature is, I think, valid source for mental implosion. One thought leads to another and not too many links are required in the chain before it is all too vast to comprehend. It is at this stage where the best thing to do is to focus only on your immediate surroundings, a more realistic area of influence. The alternative is to sit at your desk for a few seconds then proceed to ram your head through it. But that way you might get brain damage, or worse yet, splinters. It's difficult to remain calm when every solution has a knock-on effect. The holistic and contained nature of the world means whatever conclusion you reach has further ramifications and poses a different question. Plus if it turns out our new answer contradicts what we thought we knew previously, that can completely change our entire world understanding, essentially rendering however many years we have lived worth of knowledge completely pointless. And who's t...

For the Glastonbury build up lists I'm not going to bother with detail or reasoning unless I have any particular inclination to. If I don't feel I have an particularly interesting insights I'm not going to force it. 10. Rapture (1980) 9. Long Time (2017) 8. Sunday Girl (1978) 7. Hanging on the Telephone (1978) 6. Maria (1999) 5. Heart of Glass (1978) 4. Picture This (1978) 3. Union City Blue (1979) 2. X Offender (1976) 1. Atomic (1979)

Maybe it's the unchartered territory of first time experience, maybe it's my inability to confront personal emotions, but when people ask me about the break up my mind immediately closes up and I draw a complete blank. Eventually some words dribble unconvincingly out of my mouth but even I'm not convinced by them. Sometimes I don't even know what I mean or even I'm even about to say as I'm saying it. I know that my natural instinct is avoidant, or at least overthinking to the point of paralysis which brings the same outcome as avoidance, but you would think such a major life shift would prompt more, not fewer psychological insights. Seems my psychology is mainly occupied by how desperately I need the toilet (see day 82). Maybe it's too complicated to fathom and my brain knows it's limits so doesn't even try. I also know that I don't trust myself to articulate things properly, which is always stressful, who knows what I might end up saying? Could ...

Lathered in beef, I bathe in the sun protected from its malevolent attacks. A healthy cream, unlike the rest of them. If smelling of beef fat is what it takes then I guess that's what must be done. It's scent is noticeable though. My brother pointed out whether a vegan/vegetarian would be able to touch me. Interesting.  As soon as my hangover has mostly abated my stomach has churned into cramp. Bloody Churnups. There's always something. Discomfort and beefy. But it's a lovely day. 

As a 28 year old man, pissing myself in public isn't something I enjoy. Even a four year old isn't particularly happy with that deal, but 28? That's seven times worse! I recently used this maths to console a wet trousered four year old, before being accosted by its mother and promptly escorted away by the police. Fortunately in my life I have so far managed to avoid pissing myself in public, so that's the good news. The bad news it seems that the likelihood of this nightmare becoming  reality seems to be increasing at an alarming pace. In preparation for Glastonbury, a sprawling event with oceans of people standing between yourself and a toilet which threatens expulsion for having the nerve to not piss in a toilet, I have been attempting to train my bladder to withstand higher quantities of liquid for prolonged periods of time. In doing so I have come to the conclusion that a large part of the sensation of needing a wee, at least the last-chance desperate sensation, is ...

Is any of this actually interesting? It's obvious, mainly by way of my repeatedly saying it, that it's becoming increasingly difficult and uninspiring keeping this up. Maybe I can add writing to the list of things I thought I enjoyed more than I actually do. It's easy to imagine that something you're not presently doing is the solution to some unknown problem. The danger comes in actually doing that thing, as it inevitably brings with it the depressing realisation that nothing will change you. No matter what you do, you are stuck with yourself. It's too sunny. It's too cold. I'm feeling too lethargic. Doing anything is too something. It's too hot and too tiring eating too much in these two tutu's as two tutu's is too tutu. Thing is, at this stage it's too close to my self-allowed Glastonbury week off from writing to stop now. So here I must stay, a temporary victim of my own imprisonment. 

Podcast Reccomendation: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7L0zFmNmrHqxioLNdTMZ4M?si=PM7K2_OXSHexl8Fi6FReXQ%0A Some of the content was a bit intense first thing on a Monday morning but this is one of the better, more affecting podcasts I've listened to in a long time. Touching stories of the resonance of what this song means to different people.  Being emotionally challenged, it's nice being reminded that I am indeed capable of feelings, other than self centred ones like embarrassment. It's especially rare that I have to strongly consider stopping listening to something for fear of being too publicly overwhelmed (one of the all familiar self-centred emotions I am in touch with). I pulled it together but still, close call, this one got me. There's a strong chance that external factors like heat, sleep deprivation and consistent drinking has had an impact but I'm still confident its very good. I wonder if anybody has been listening to the song as a double decker bus cra...

When is the right time to stop drinking? To quote Homer (Simpson - the only Homer I'm able to reference) - "Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems". Apt for a so called buffoon. The likely answer is to never start drinking. Although is that actually the case? I'd miss out on everything and would probably be bored. Or would I? Maybe I'd be more productive. But I doubt it. Plenty of sober phases have gone by whilst achieving absolutely nothing.  When I get home in a couple of hours I've got to do something. Shame my main hobby involves being indoors on a laptop, when the time I'm theoretically most willing to do that also happens to be the least motivating time of the year (in case it isn't clear I'm referring to winter). Excuses. Alcohol is essentially the ultimate excuse. It is the excuse before, during and after the fact. It isn't really the solution to life's problems, it is an excuse to bother solving its prob...

Slowly the process of returning to making sketches is happening. If it was a source of energy for me before then surely it will work again and once the ball is rolling with a few audio clips I then have a piecing together project. It could even finally give me some sort of reason to book a few days off, I don't want to work almost constantly throughout summer. Festivals, comedy and productivity - That's the summer plan.  The plan is to make a miniature episode, not matching the previous half hour features. Once completed I will patch together a best-of episode. A showcase/portfolio of my work, if you will. And you will. If the comedy outlet is proving fruitful I may put this blog on pause, after all the blog's purpose is primarily to force a way to maintain creativity and if I'm finding creativity in other areas, is there much point in forcing out some brief words when my heart is really invested in something else? Maybe, who knows, we shall see at the time. Maybe I...

Busy day at work today so only time for a very brief one in which I will eulogise over the finding of a new favourite film writer/director. Its great when you find someone who after a couple of films you immediately know they do exactly the sort of thing you want. Last night I watched Walking & Talking, the 1996 directorial debut of Nicole Holofcener, on the basis that it was apparently very a Woody Allen like film. It also starred Catherine Keener, who is always great and it did not disappoint, to the extent that I immediately watched her follow up film, 2001's Lovely and Amazing, which was arguably even better, if not at least equally as great. Both are exactly the type of films I love. Turns out I already have one of her films on my watch list, 2013's Enough Said, starring James Gandolfini (The Sopranos) and Julia Louis Dreyfus. So that is now very high on the agenda. Big up Nicole Holofcener.

I wonder if I will ever get to the root of my flaming insides. When, as is the case today, I have a day at work when I could do with actually being awake, it is not ideal being scared of coffee (and even tea). The internal burning sensation is often, as is the case today, accompanied by visual migraines. If I had to describe myself in five words I would probably go with “internal burning and visual migraines”. Congestion would be the sixth word, but when are you ever asked to describe yourself in six words? Stupid idea. Today is the ultimate triple, internal burning, visual migraines & congestion (which technically is five words). Typically this happens to be the only day I have ever had to guest host a presentation at work. A mucusy, pained and blind aspect will be added to my usual anxious overwhelmed style. I probably smell too. Fearful of the milk in tea adding to my congestion and fearful of the caffeine in milk and coffee adding to my migraine which in turns adds to a headach...

As the pre-procedure assessment was taking place I grew increasingly unconvinced of the benefits of being sedated for yesterday's procedure. Having to endure another stress of intravenous injection only to gain partial sedation followed by after effects lasting 24 hours. Flashbacks to my previous gas and air "sedation-ish" experience offering very little value (detrimental if anything) on top of these doubts made me call bullshit on this so-called sedation. The decision was made - no sedation for me (well, sort of, I asked if I could try without first). Needless to say, having a camera on a wire shoved down your throat was very unpleasant. It is sort of like if you swallowed a large boiled sweet whole but then after you swallow it, it is still there and your brain understands this makes sense because you know what is happening, but your body's response is thrown into disarray but why its natural reflex solution to this problem isn't working. It is also stressful. ...

It's a shame when a day off work is partnered by having a camera forced down your throat but if that's what it takes...  Sedated but not fully out of it, wouldn't be my first choice given all possibilities. Apparently I might be aware of feeling everything at the time but might not remember the procedure. Worst of both worlds. Quickly jotting this one out beforehand as I'm not entirelly sure of the recovery time. Admittedly a semi sedated entry could be interesting, but equally there's a strong chance I'd completely forget. So here this is.

Motivation is difficult in the long dark winter days, but staying inside typing is difficult on long sunny summer days. Motivation is difficult when you're drunk or hungover. Winter days are difficult to get through so beer is a well-earned comforting treat. In summer it's nice out so everybody wants a drink in the sun. It's a funny old life. Whatever the circumstance, most aren't concerned with when they will have the time to cram in some writing. I'm obsessed with motivation to such a degree that my motivation is predominantly motivation themed. It would be easier to be motivated by motivation if the motivation which motivated me was in fact motivation rather than a lack of it. With motivation derived from a lack of motivation it is more likely that frustration is the true motivating factor, which wouldn't be out of character given that moments of annoyance are one of the few times my brain actually sparks into life, before I realise I need to calm down. Unfor...

A lot of the ideas I want to write about relate to the cause of various depressions but given their depressive nature my instinct is to avoid. This is frustrating as I think there is some interesting stuff there, but it's a struggle to maintain energy writing things which I know drain it. I'm sure every now and then I'll force one out. Although it may be so forced that the strain initiates literary prolapse. I really have a way with words. I wonder how many times I can write about wanting to write about something but instead writing the words I'm currently writing about wanting to write about wanting to write about writing something else. Am I right? Right, depressing things... let's go!  On second thought maybe I don't want to ruin today. Catharsis is depicted as positive but I'm unconvinced that spending my time dwelling and fixating on the things which depress me won't be quite the restorative reinvigoration it's marketed as. Amelioration and pejo...

Fewer than three weeks until Glastonbury... I reckon that's soon enough to write about. Withstanding a barrage of negativity surrounding the line-up, I am determined to not be worn down by gloom. It doesn't matter how many time I say I like the line-up, there seems to be a 100% guarantee that a number of people larger than me will fervently oppose this. "The line-up isn't very good", "I'm not a fan of the line-up this year", "The line-up is rubbish". Yes, okay, I get it. It's getting almost as tired as the "has Morrissey ruined The Smiths' music" mandatory platitudes - And just to not be hypocritical, it's also as tired as my opposing viewpoint on that subject. So its not personal - I am also very much bored of me as well as everybody else. Seemed as if I was beginning to mention Morrissey less but the final paragraph of this Guardian article from the other day served as an unfortunate reminder of my tedious weary - ht...

I liked the 90s before it was a fad and I'm not going to change my opinion just to cater to my silly instinctive counter-culture inclination to rally against the populus. Granted, it's slightly annoying that it's become a fad, but equally it's not that annoying. It's on a similar level to when everybody got into Black Mirror after I'd liked it for years - a bit irritating but ultimately fine. As much as its a fad, I do agree with people that the 90s is cool so I guess at least I now have something in common with the average person. Of course a lot of the reasons will differ between myself and the masses, but there'll be overlap. Here is my case for the 90s: The grainy TV/film sheen, The Simpsons, Tarantino, an amazing era of Cinema (see below*), Techno/Electronic music & rave culture, the best Hip Hop era, the best Nick Cave era, Bjork, Italia 90 & Euro 96 (Gazza, Baddiel & Skinner etc and yeah Baddiel is a bit annoying but oh well, I love thre...